I just really need to vent right now.

I hate being a total mess.  But that’s what I am.  That’s all I ever seem to be these days.  I can’t keep focused on any one thing for more than a few minutes.  And when I am focused, it’s on something that unimportant.

Like, there was a while about a month ago where I was obsessed with FreeCell.  Like seriously.  And now all I want to do is read.  And I have some huge projects due at the beginning of the month!

And now, on top of that, I’ve been thinking about going to Northern Ireland or England next year on exchange.  And they recommend that you have an average of at least 70.  Which would be fine.  If this was three years ago.  Or if this was two years ago.  Or if this was even last year.  This year?  I can’t seem to focus on anything and it’s going to get me screwed.

I’ve recently decided that I don’t like my major.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but I was planning on sticking with it, but now it’s different.  I hate my Stats class and I hate my Social Psychology class.  I have nothing against the people, and for one of the classes, it’s not the teacher.  I hate my Stats prof.  He’s really boring and I think I would actually enjoy the class if my Intro Psych prof from last year was teaching (apparently she’s taught this class before and made it fun, and I can see that—she’s really fun).  And he’s almost monotone.  I don’t really know, I can’t concentrate enough on what he’s saying ever to know for sure four days after the most recent class.

I love my Child Psychology class, though.  Actually, that’s the only Psychology class I really really really wanted to take this year.  That might have something to do with it.  And Latin is really fun, too.  I’m doing amazing in that class, who knew!  Astronomy is Astronomy is Astronomy.  I wish it was Astrology.  That would make it a million times better, not because I’m really all that interested it that sort of stuff, but because I know that sort of stuff.  But my prof is British or something so occasionally I listen and make some mental notes.  (I learned what a sieve is the other day from him.)

But it’s like I shouldn’t even talk to my mom.  I guess that’s where the whole teenager-not-talking-to-parents thing comes from?  Because everything—everything—even remotely bad I tell her—and for some reason I just can’t not tell her—she gets all pissed at me.  Like I should be trying harder.  Actually, she says I should be trying harder.  But I’m already trying SO hard.  Just because she and my sister find school so easy that there’s not any real effort of work to doing the work and studying doesn’t mean that I can.  I find school and the work that accompanies it an extremely difficult challenge that I would rather not be part of.  Too bad I want to be a teacher.

I thought maybe I could do a general arts major instead of my psychology, that way I get to choose everything I take and I don’t have to take anything I really don’t want to.  But I don’t think I can do that.  And then, I found this major that would be that I could pick and choose for a whole list of majors and get an Interdisciplinary degree.  Except—there’s always and except—they don’t offer it at my campus—the main campus!—they only offer it at the little campus hundreds—hundreds of kilometers away from here.  And they don’t offer the courses I would need to take there—that that’s a grand total of two!—online, like they do most courses.  Just on the other campus.  And I don’t think it’s offered during the summer.  Or else I might be able to go down there for a few months and work on getting the credits.  Oh, look at that: I just checked, and nope, of course they’re not planning on offering it during the summer.  Why would they?  They offer it, like, twelve times during the regular school year.

When I talked about all this with my mom, not the going to the other campus part for the summer, because that just occurred to me, but them only offer the courses at the other campus and all that and wondering if they had it online, she said we would figure it out later.

But when you’re super unhappy doing something, shouldn’t you make changes?  Just because my mom doesn’t actually do anything about her job and just complains all the time doesn’t mean I have the be the same way.  And I don’t want to be like her.  (She tells us sometimes she wishes she had of followed her original plans and hadn’t become an accountant, but a teacher.)

I haven’t ever really been comfortable in my major.  I mean, a few months before I graduated high school, I freaked out over it.  I thought about for quite a while and almost switched majors, only to discover once I started the courses that I liked that one even less than psychology.  And for some reason, everyone thinks I want to be a guidence counselor.  Which really doesn’t make any sense what so ever.  Seeing as I can’t make a decision to save my life, let alone helping others figure out their lives.  And since I can’t seem to figure my life out, it doesn’t make sense to be in school to do such a thing.  That would be stupid.  But that’s what I’m doing now, so it’s a pretty stupid move.

I’m constantly freaking out.  I really am.  I get a thought in my head and off I go, my mind reeling.  And I’m constantly thinking of worst-case scenarios.  For everything.  Not just about school, but about driving, work, and everything in between.

Sometimes, I wish I could take some time off.  Like a year or something.  And just do nothing.  Maybe I would work, maybe I would travel.  And I while I’m taking a time out, I would be figuring out what it is I want to do.

But I can’t take a time out.  I can’t even take an extra year at school.  Well, I can, but it would throw my plans a bit out of whack.  I want to have a somewhat steady job by the time I’m twenty five.  That’s only six years from now.  And if I graduate on time, I’ll have two years.

Why do I have to plan everything out?  Crap.  But I want everything that I want to have.  You know, a good life.  But that’s hard to think about.  Some days it feels as though 25 is so far away.  And then the next, it’s like it’s tomorrow.  And actually, if it was tomorrow, it would probably be easier, since I wouldn’t be worrying about this crap anymore, and I’d be worrying about something else, since that’s what I do.  If it was tomorrow, I’d be finished school and doing what I’ve dreamed of doing since I was little (of course, when I was little, I thought about being everything—a surgeon (too much blood); a firefighter (too hot); a beach ball (too much air.  Also: impossible)).

Recently, I’ve been wondering if I could do just as well or better in these classes if, instead of going to the classes, I spent the time reading the text books and taking notes on what I’m reading.

Grr, I need to get this straightened out.  Like, right now.